Still Learning

Since this blog is called Life Long Learning I figured I needed to include some of that in here. I feel the need to scream and be heard, to shout from the rooftops. Since screaming is usually considered socially unacceptable, my roof is relatively inaccessible, and my journal wont quite cut it today, I'm blogging.  Since I've graduated from college I've remained relatively silent about the many thoughts and feelings that I've had swirling around for the last several months. Max Ehrmann said, "Speak your truth quietly and with conviction." I'm tired of being quiet because when I'm quiet I rarely say what I really want to. So I'm going to be loud here. I may ramble and I may not come to a sound conclusion, but it will be true and right, to the best of my knowledge, because I'm tired of fighting with myself, with my family, and with God.
I can count on one hand the number of people I've confided in over the past year and none of them have been my parents. One is a particularly good friend with some decent advice, though he doesn't always live what he says, and another is a God with whom I attempt to remain close, though I fall short more often than I'd like.
It took me a year to fill out my application for graduate school. When my parents ask why I shrug and say I don't know. My friend knows, and I know. I know too well the reason why. I've been scared for a very long time. I've been holding myself back out of fear for most of my life. This isn't like fear of the dark or fear of bees. This fear is inadequacy and doubt, the fear that I will never be good enough to accomplish the many things I want so badly to do. I know better but I always seem to fall back on the fear and the worry because where I am now is comfort. I know this place and I know what it holds for me. These other things I've been holding myself back from are unknowns and unknowns have never been my strongest point. I rarely act without planning for every possible outcome because that makes things less frightening. School has always been a hit and miss. I didn't know how college would work out so I didn't act on it until I was pushed. I don't know how grad school will work out and I didn't act on it until I got scared I'd loose my shot. For months I agonized over the idea that my grades weren't good enough or that I'm not smart enough to compete on that level. I'm 22 for crying out loud. I should still be fighting through my undergrad and trying to figure myself out. Not panicking over grad school while I try and figure out my future while everyone around me moves in a completely different direction. That might be my biggest fear, getting left behind or loosing everything I've gained. The biggest chip on my shoulder has always been getting bullied through elementary school and growing up without a place where I felt like I truly belong, home excluded. I found that place at Wal-Mart with a group of people that don't constantly make me feel like an outsider or like I don't fit. For the first time ever I have friends I know love and accept me for all the things I find weird about myself. I have a work place where my co-workers, as irritating as some of them might be, know me and accept me as I am. I know I can do better than Wal-Mart but I'm afraid that what I'd be giving up by leaving is something I wont be able to hold onto. I want bigger things for myself but I'm holding back because I don't find myself to be all that skilled or impressive. I hear otherwise and I talk myself into believing my friends and my parents are right but it doesn't always stick and then I'm right back where I started, doubting myself and my awesomeness.
You might ask where the learning comes in. Here it is. I know what I want and I know what I enjoy and what makes me happiest. I know I'm at my best when I'm at peace with myself and I realize that, despite my fears, I'm OK and things will work out. I don't know where I'm going and that is daunting. I know I'm slowly discovering my destination and when I get there it shall be everything I've ever wanted and everything my parents, friends, and Father in Heaven have told me I am. I'm still learning. I'm fighting the lesson and it's beating me pretty hard but I'm learning. It's time I stop fighting so hard and start bending a bit. My fears are mostly useless and the only thing stopping me from doing big things is me.