What About Their Good Qualities?

For those of you in the know, the world is a pretty scary place right now. It's been a rough few months, and every time things start to look like they're getting better, something else happens. It's like a never-ending cycle of crap, and it's getting really, really hard to drag myself out of bed to go to my office every morning. I can't not go, so I manage. I've spent a lot of time alone...too much time alone. In that time, I've been drowning in thoughts I can't quite figure out how to share. This will be my attempt to tell you those thoughts, as disorganized as they are. I don't require agreement or discussion, but feel free. I'm doing this for me, to clear my head of clutter. You do what you gotta do.

One of my favorite movies ever is this dense thriller, "Mojave." It stars Garrett Hedlund as some sort of director/creator of films, and Oscar Isaac as a desert drifter and serial killer. The movie makes a point of telling the viewer that the life of Hedlund's character is falling apart. His marriage is coming to an end, things aren't working out quite right with his movies, and he's unsatisfied with his reality. In order to gain some much-needed clarity, he stocks up on water and drives out into the desert. He rolls his car and decides to continue his retreat on foot. One night, while he's sitting by his fire, this drifter shows up. Hedlund and Isaac have a brief exchange where they threaten one another and size each other up, both determining the other one to be a danger. They come to an agreement to both set down their weapons and Isaac's character sits down to have a discussion with Hedlund's.

Over the course of this discussion, Isaac sets himself up as The Devil, and Hedlund gets likened to Christ wandering through the desert having an existential conversation with the devil (Isaac refers to The Devil as another aspect of Christ's persona). This sets the two characters up as two sides of the same coin, "Just two dudes going mental in the desert." Following this rather sinister encounter, both men decide it's time for Isaac's character to leave, Hedlund's sends him off without the riffle he came with, then spends a restless night in the desert hoping the drifter doesn't come back to kill him in his sleep. What comes after is a twisted version of cat and mouse.

The drifter kills a handful of other people as he follows Hedlund back to his home in LA where Isaac eventually tells him the whole thing will end where it began. He gives Hedlund coordinates to a camper parked in the desert. Hedlund shows up where he knows it will either be him or Isaac. They sit down and have a conversation where Isaac lays out that they're not so different. Isaac reveals he was a poet and a songwriter whos career failed before it began. Like Hedlund, he's an artist. Hedlund kills him, burns down his camper, and returns home. Upon his return, he finds his wife and daughter at his house. He ends up reading a bedtime story to his daughter about a monster hated and feared by the townspeople. The people throw this monster off a cliff, and as he goes down he shouts, "But what about my good qualities?"

That line has stuck with me. I've spent years of my life analyzing and contemplating the implications of that line. What about my good qualities?

Over the course of the past week or so, we've witnessed how the actions of four police officers have ripped the country to pieces. The unjust and brutal death of George Floyd has become the straw that broke the camel's back. We've gone through days of rioting, protesting, violence, and shouts both for and against racism. It's been one ugly thing after another.

"Hillary," you ask, "what does that movie have to do with any of these other things?" Here's one conclusion I've come to, police forces are a lot like Hedlund and Isaac's characters and the human dichotomy they represent. The police were organized to serve and protect the people. However, there are rogue elements that tend to go off the rails and do exactly what the forces were organized to prevent. Something happens, like the death of George Floyd, and people rise up in angry protest because "black lives matter." It amazes me that the anger is always simmering under the surface, but it waits until something ugly happens before it all comes to the surface in more ugliness. It eventually dies down again until another ugly thing happens then the protesting gets louder and more aggressive and it dies down again. Now it's back, uglier, louder, and angrier than it has been in a very long time.

I understand the anger. of course black lives matter, and it is LONG past time we, as a society, completely acknowledge the value of lives (especially colored lives). This lack of appreciation isn't specific to police officers, but they get singled out because they hold positions of power in our communities. The thought I keep coming back to is this, what about their good qualities?

We get so caught up in the terrible actions of a few officers that we start demonizing all of them. There is absolutely no defense for cruelty and racism. However, I don't believe the good qualities should be overlooked. I firmly believe much of the rioting really is being done by people tired of being oppressed by society. However, not all of it is. The rioting in Salt Lake, for example, was perpetrated by people who really just felt like throwing things at cops because "fuck the police!". That's completely unacceptable. Black lives matter, so do cop lives, so do the lives of all the other people caught in the crosshairs of the violence. If we want all lives to be acknowledged as equally important, why are there groups placing one set of lives over another (I'm not referring to BLM)? Rebelling against the police isn't going to fix anything. Hating them because they're law enforcement isn't going to fix anything. Throwing things and shouting "fuck the police!" isn't going to fix anything. Throwing blame around isn't going to fix anything.

The collective organizations of police are not without their flaws. They're comprised of individuals bearing their own prejudices. Those prejudices should not be overlooked, and everyone should be held responsible for their own actions, but those flaws should not condemn the entirety of police. They have good qualities. They do great things to benefit our society, and it's unacceptable to ignore those things to focus solely on the negative. 

The negative should prompt change. I sincerely hope this all serves as a wakeup call to our government officials and city police departments to improve officer training and more carefully hold people accountable for prior actions. The death of George Floyd was preventable. It's absolutely beyond time to stop ignoring the needs and tears of the people. “Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold." It's time for a change for the better. A change in policy, and change of heart, and change of mind, a change of scenery. In the midst of all the ugliness, don't forget the good qualities.  

"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world." Max Ehrmann

Still Learning

Since this blog is called Life Long Learning I figured I needed to include some of that in here. I feel the need to scream and be heard, to shout from the rooftops. Since screaming is usually considered socially unacceptable, my roof is relatively inaccessible, and my journal wont quite cut it today, I'm blogging.  Since I've graduated from college I've remained relatively silent about the many thoughts and feelings that I've had swirling around for the last several months. Max Ehrmann said, "Speak your truth quietly and with conviction." I'm tired of being quiet because when I'm quiet I rarely say what I really want to. So I'm going to be loud here. I may ramble and I may not come to a sound conclusion, but it will be true and right, to the best of my knowledge, because I'm tired of fighting with myself, with my family, and with God.
I can count on one hand the number of people I've confided in over the past year and none of them have been my parents. One is a particularly good friend with some decent advice, though he doesn't always live what he says, and another is a God with whom I attempt to remain close, though I fall short more often than I'd like.
It took me a year to fill out my application for graduate school. When my parents ask why I shrug and say I don't know. My friend knows, and I know. I know too well the reason why. I've been scared for a very long time. I've been holding myself back out of fear for most of my life. This isn't like fear of the dark or fear of bees. This fear is inadequacy and doubt, the fear that I will never be good enough to accomplish the many things I want so badly to do. I know better but I always seem to fall back on the fear and the worry because where I am now is comfort. I know this place and I know what it holds for me. These other things I've been holding myself back from are unknowns and unknowns have never been my strongest point. I rarely act without planning for every possible outcome because that makes things less frightening. School has always been a hit and miss. I didn't know how college would work out so I didn't act on it until I was pushed. I don't know how grad school will work out and I didn't act on it until I got scared I'd loose my shot. For months I agonized over the idea that my grades weren't good enough or that I'm not smart enough to compete on that level. I'm 22 for crying out loud. I should still be fighting through my undergrad and trying to figure myself out. Not panicking over grad school while I try and figure out my future while everyone around me moves in a completely different direction. That might be my biggest fear, getting left behind or loosing everything I've gained. The biggest chip on my shoulder has always been getting bullied through elementary school and growing up without a place where I felt like I truly belong, home excluded. I found that place at Wal-Mart with a group of people that don't constantly make me feel like an outsider or like I don't fit. For the first time ever I have friends I know love and accept me for all the things I find weird about myself. I have a work place where my co-workers, as irritating as some of them might be, know me and accept me as I am. I know I can do better than Wal-Mart but I'm afraid that what I'd be giving up by leaving is something I wont be able to hold onto. I want bigger things for myself but I'm holding back because I don't find myself to be all that skilled or impressive. I hear otherwise and I talk myself into believing my friends and my parents are right but it doesn't always stick and then I'm right back where I started, doubting myself and my awesomeness.
You might ask where the learning comes in. Here it is. I know what I want and I know what I enjoy and what makes me happiest. I know I'm at my best when I'm at peace with myself and I realize that, despite my fears, I'm OK and things will work out. I don't know where I'm going and that is daunting. I know I'm slowly discovering my destination and when I get there it shall be everything I've ever wanted and everything my parents, friends, and Father in Heaven have told me I am. I'm still learning. I'm fighting the lesson and it's beating me pretty hard but I'm learning. It's time I stop fighting so hard and start bending a bit. My fears are mostly useless and the only thing stopping me from doing big things is me.

Safe Blogging (that's a thing?)

In a world where it's so easy to put one's most personal thoughts, feelings, moments, and information on the internet, there has to be some suggestions on how one might keep themselves safe. This digital world has a tendency to become a cesspool of verbal and mental vomit, and when some of that stuff gets out it can be very damaging to the people involved. There are sites, all over the web, that are dedicated to the safety of those, such as myself, who post to blogs, social networking site, wikis, etc. One such site on Microsoft: http://www.microsoft.com/security/family-safety/blogging.aspx gave suggestions to parents on how they can protect their children on the web, but it also had some advice for bloggers.

1. NEVER offer any personal information.
 According to the site personal information would include a last name, mailing address, social, phone numbers, full names of friends, usernames, ages, and birthdays. I would go far enough to say whatever one doesn't want strangers to know, should be left off the web. Scary people keep getting smarter, it's sad, but it's getting easier for them to find things they can use to make life difficult. If it should not be known by strangers, leave it off a blog or make the blog private.
2. Privatize Blog
http://digitalethics.org/resources/best-practices-for-bloggers-dimensions-for-consideration/, another safety site, says that depending on the content one may even wish to make their entire blog invisible to the populace. This seems to be a good way to keep private information private, but the best way is to just not post it.
3. Keep Things Positive (http://www.microsoft.com/security/family-safety/blogging.aspx)
Essentially, one may complain or be angry about something, but one might want to avoid slander or the personal attack of fellow persons. One never knows who may someday look at their blog. It could be a future employer, a teacher, a friend, a spouse, or (heaven forbid) the subject of the slander and attack. Anyway it's looked at, none of those scenarios sound all that appealing when their seriously considered.

I never know who reads this blog, or who will someday read it, but I do know that it's safer to only post what I want other people to know. Anything else could be detrimental to my well-being.

The Pedagogy of Blogs...Blogging and Education

Here we go again. Blogging for class. Speaking as a former Library Media administration student, I know a bit about using blogs and other forms of technology in classrooms. Speaking a 21st century college student, I use technology for class all the time. There are a lot of wonderful applications for blogs within a classroom. I had a teacher in High School who created a blog for the class to get on and collaborate on assignments, discuss readings, and just talk about stuff that interested us, but other teachers use blogs in other ways. Mrs. Yollins created a class blog so that she could share things with her students and they could talk and share their projects with each other and their parents. She said:

I have been an elementary-school teacher for more than 26 years, and I am always on the lookout for meaningful ways to engage and motivate my young students. I started "Mrs. Yollis' Classroom Blog" in 2008 with the idea of sharing class activities with parents. Over time, the blog has grown to be the centerpiece of our third-grade classroom. It has become a true global learning community that offers myriad rewards for students, parents, and teachers. (http://yollisclassblog.blogspot.com/)

Her blog not only serves to help her class and the parents of her students, but she posts things for other teachers. She even went to the trouble of creating a wiki for educational blogging and linking it on her blog.
She even posted this video on the benefits of blogging in school.


Another teachers, Mrs. Fuglestad, created a blog within her class website to share her students art projects, share tutorials with her students and other teachers, as well as sharing how she worked with other teachers and their students to create what she called "colaborative art."

3rd graders practiced making coils of paper to try their hand at Quilling

(http://drydenart.weebly.com/fugleblog.html)

As a Library Media fan and hopefully a future librarian, no post about educational blogging can be complete without a Library Media Specialists blog. Julie Greller, a school librarian, created a blog set up as a guide to the internet. Part of a school librarians job to collaborate with teachers and find resources for them to teach the students. Her blog seems to have been created as a means of sharing with her school's teachers as well at her fellow librarians. She said, "Stay up-to-date on school technology through journals, blogs, workshops, conferences, etc., and then share what you learn with your colleagues and administration" (http://mediaspecialistsguide.blogspot.com/). Her blog is full of free resources for teachers, students and other librarians to use in classrooms. As well as ideas on how to create motivational posters, motivating children to read, etc. It's all nicely organized by grade and subject so each group can easily find what they're looking for.

I enjoyed this opportunity to look at some educational blogs. They gave me some ideas on how my blog can be used some time in the future. I look forward to continuing the adventure. Although I never hope to become a school teacher, or even work in a school at this point, I do think that I can still use my blog as a means of sharing educational information. I also think that there are many benefits of a blog in a classroom such as: student collaboration; teacher feedback and clarification; and a world wide network of educators, students, and parents sharing their ideas with each other on how to better help the students.

Wal-Mart and Templars?

     I haven't posted anything for a while because I was stuck at work from the time I got out of class until about 11 o'clock at night. That's one of the crappy things about Wal-Mart, they don't think their employees have lives outside the workplace. On the upside, I recently quit so I have time to do other things. Like update my blog, read my homework, go to plays, and occasionally hang out with my friends. At any rate, I did manage to get some reading done during my work breaks. I got my Robert Louis Stevenson stuff skimmed for class and I finished the Crusades Trilogy by Swedish author/journalist, Jan Guillou.
     The books follow the life of a fictional Swedish noble named Arn Magnusson. The first book, "Road to Jerusalem," started at a time just before Arn was born and ended at the beginning of 20 years of penance to be served as a Templar Knight and crusader. The book also gave a lot of information about historical events going on within the Scandinavian countries during that time. It was an interesting story, as well as a wonderful beginning to a timeless love story that continues through the next two books. Guillou also gives some interesting insight into life in a medieval Cistercian Monastery within the "barbaric" wilds of Western Gotaland.
     The second book, "The Templar Knight," details Arn's exploits during his time in the Holy Land. It also goes into the life of his love, Cecilia Algotsdaughter, as she also serves her 20 years of penance for a sin the two committed in the first book. I don't want to give any details because I would ruin things for those who decide to read the books. Any way, when Arn was sent to serve in Jerusalem, Cecilia was sent to serve her time in Gudhem Convent where she is constantly abused and overly punished by the Mother Superior. Cecilia also becomes a pawn in the political games being played between the clan her family traditionally supported and Arn's clan. While Cecilia is trying to survive her tormented penance Arn befriends  the Saracen leader, Saladin, and witnesses the fall of Jerusalem. He also picks a fight, and wins, with one of Richard Cœur de Lion's knights, Ivanhoe. By the end of the book penance has been served, Cecilia is free, Mother Superior is either dead or dying (I can't quite remember), and Saladin has given Arn enough gold to get home and be the richest man in the Scandinavian countries.
     The final instalment to the trilogy is titled, "Birth of the Kingdom," Arn eventually makes it home to find everything has changed. He was gone for over 20 years and during that time a great war was fought for the crown in his homeland. He begins to build up his family's home so that it can eventually be a fortress used to help ensure a lasting peace between the clans, as well as the Swedes and the Danes. Cecilia, too is free and in control of the finances for another convent until the kings right hand decides that she could better serve as Mother Superior in her old convent. She's still being used for the king's political gain, but she continues to refuse as she waits for Arn to return. The eventually find each other and they find a priest willing to bless their love so that their families have no choice but to allow their marriage. By this time, both are in their late thirties and have been part of the monastic life for so long that to do anything else seems strange. They get married and continue to pursue everlasting peace. Arn begins to train the youth of his clan so that they can eventually fight well enough to defend their land and succeed with a minimal loss of life. As with most life stories this one ends in a death. You'll have to read the book to find out anything else.
     This was a wonderful series of books that gave me a better look into life during the 12th and 13th centuries. The prevalent message of the whole story was that love can conquer all, God has a plan for everyone, and faith in something greater than ourselves can get us through absolutely anything. There were plenty of other messages within the stories, but those are the ones I found when I was reading. I'm a firm believer in the idea that we get what we need out of a story at the time we read it. I would definitely recommend these books to anyone who loves history and fiction. Many of the characters were real, all the battles actually took place, and all of places named in the books are places that can still be visited today. These are definitely books for both genders. There's action, battles, romance, and acts of honor and treachery.Go check them out.
Happy reading!

New Start

Finished City of Fallen Angels. It was a super slow book. The plot finally got intense towards then end and things started to move. I did get to the end and thank my parents for buying me the new one because the cliff hanger for that book was insane. I'm still working on City of Lost Souls. So far so good. I'm over halfway through with it an I like it a lot. Not really appreciating the Twilight-esque moments though. Clary has taken to whining over Jace the way that Bella pouted over Edward forever, and much like Bella used Jake, Clary is using Simon. The difference is that Simon is smart, stable, and mature enough to walk away and fall for Isabelle instead. YAY Simone! Clary does have her Bella moments and I'm getting sick of reading about how everyone is looking at each other through their eye lashes. I'm not really sure how one manages that. I actually tried it...not that easy. Oh well, it's still a pretty good book and it helps that it's not just being told from Clary's point of view. Cassandra Clare definitely has some mad skills.

SUMMER!

Ah summer vacation! How I've missed not writing papers and stressing about grades. Haven't had that opportunity for a while. Oh well. So far it's been a pretty good break, just been working and reading during my lunch and fifteen minute breaks. I just finished Doubletake, the seventh installment of the Cal Leandros novels, by Rob Thurman. It was a pretty intense read and I'm super excited for the sequel that's supposed to be out next March. It's gonna be GREAT! Of course I am getting tired of long dead races of monsters that keep coming back when they shouldn't be. Oh well, makes for grand adventures and massive conflicts. Right now I'm in the middle of City of Fallen Angels by Cassandra Clare. So far so good. Bit of a slow starter though, so I'm struggling a bit. I've got to get it done though because the next one just came out a few weeks ago. I've also got a giant stack of books to get through over the vacation, before I have to go back to school and drowned in my endless pile of HW. Any good books out there by anyone happening to be reading this? I would love to know what you got.
~Happy Reading!